I have noticed a lot of people find apologizing challenging, I used to struggle with it too. I often found myself saying “sorry” followed by a long explanation of why I had done said action. I was afraid someone would think something was “wrong” with me and in doing so I made it about myself. Despite my intentions, my list of reasons really read more as excuses and cheapened my apology.
I think I was better at apologizing as a child. I had to re-learn as an adult. If you do something that causes harm, it does not mean you are a garbage person but it is important to take accountability and action. I still have to work to dial down my defensiveness. Cultivating listening has helped me remember it’s not about me.
I noticed many people fear having an uncomfortable conversations and sometimes will step away from a friendship rather than communicating that they were hurt or apologizing for hurt they caused. Shame and guilt can make it hard for people to access their empathy which is required for a heartfelt apology. It doesn’t need to be like this. Apologizing is a way to show someone they matter to you, it builds trust, helps them feel heard and can deepen your connection. We are all works in progress capable of growth!
Apology Tips:
⭐️Express that you feel sorry ⮕ “I’m sorry”
⭐️Own what you did or said ⮕ “I’m sorry for..” (be specific)
⭐️Take responsibility ⮕ “I understand it was wrong because..” (be specific)
⭐️Acknowledge how it impacted then, that their feelings matter to you ⮕ “You must have felt.. (sad, hurt, upset) when I..”
⭐️Offer to repair ⮕ Let the person know you won’t do it again or how you will fix it. “In the future I will..” If you are unsure say “How can I make this better?”
⭐️It’s okay if they need to take some time to process.
⭐️Remember the best apology is changed behavior.
Apology Don’ts:
❌Do not blame ⮕ “I’m sorry but if you..”
❌Do not make excuses ⮕ “well I did that because of..”
❌Do not minimize ⮕ “I was just..”
❌Do not gaslight them ⮕ “I’m sorry if you took it that way, it’s not what I meant”
If someone apologizes to you, here are some responses⮕ “I appreciate your apology”, “Thanks, I need some time to think about it.”, “I forgive you”